Today I’m flying home from Haiti with Greta. I can’t wait to share stories of what we saw and heard. In the meantime, here is a little note about Worrying, because as I packed for the trip, worry was sneaking and swirling all around me.
Most of the time sleep comes easily for me. I am so ready to crash after 18 hours of busy life every day. The thing that keeps me awake some nights, though, is pain.
A few years ago complications from a hospital procedure left me bedridden in massive pain for 11 days. I couldn’t sleep. I saw my pain, my inability to handle it, and the brokeness that required the procedure as failings. This led to a long rabbit trail of shame and shoulds, long into the early morning hours. I tried to conquer those thoughts with a list of things I could control, like a to-do list. But then Jesus interrupted me.
Me: Tomorrow I need to write that email to the moms. I need to call the doctor for the refill. I need to buy that present online. I need to-
Jesus: Hi there. I love you.
Me: Thanks, but I’m busy making a list right now.
Jesus: A list of stuff to do?
Me: Yes. Greta will be up in 4 hours. I’m so tired.
Jesus: I love you. It’s late and so dark. Can I help you?
Me: Um. No. I don’t think you can call the doctor for me in the morning.
Jesus: You have such a long list. How about I hold it for you, and help you with it tomorrow?
Me: I don’t get it.
Jesus: If you hand this over to me I will help you with everything that has to happen tomorrow.
Jesus: I’ve got it. I love you.
And somehow that worked. I pictured handing over the curling list into Jesus’ hands. He tucked it in his pocket like a trustworthy valet. I fell asleep. In the morning I woke up without panic.
This is the way I pray most often now.
When my friends and kids can’t change the channel, perseverating on the same list of personal failures or important tasks, I tell them “I got a guy.” I guide them in surrendering their list of worries to Jesus. Normally they feel mysteriously loved and peaceful. Sometimes we pickpocket the list back, but he’s always willing to have the same conversation over and over again.
You are loved.
I am unfolding the idea of Surrender throughout the month of October.
To read more about our shared spiritual journey and questions, you can read here: Soul
© Aimee Fritz and Family Compassion Focus, 2015.